me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time