Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.