Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
We like the way Dwight thinks
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—