Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?