woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack