It do be feeling this way.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Sorry not sorry.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.