Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”