I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.