Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Happy weekend !
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting