why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.