Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey