Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.