Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son