SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please