Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Meow
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Cats (2019)
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
#polloftheday
It’s actually Dr. whatever
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Things will get butter, keep churning
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.