Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
6: are snakes just neck?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
i dont have time for this
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.