i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Not today
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now