Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw