The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.