Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My safe word is Worcestershire
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!