Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.