I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn