MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today