life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
The future is now.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Ron is short for Aaronald
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms