Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate