On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Dietest Coke
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”