happy valentine’s day to me
You Might Also Like
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
This is what makes twitter great
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.