At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.