If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The Onion called it…again.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”