This could be us, but you weedin’.
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Hard not to take this personally
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?