Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Based Erika
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.