Well, this is awkward
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
blocked.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*