A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
hi why am I like this
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.