[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Always a metermaid never a meter
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.