i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.