How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
You Might Also Like
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear