Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
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this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Always…
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.