There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out