i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Today’s Times
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.