Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.