Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
🤣😂
emergency phone
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens