[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
my one true gender
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..