Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
nature’s most graceful animal
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The Friday File.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave