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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.