WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Why are bridges so flammable.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.