[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part