A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?