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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
OKAY DAD
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.