The eclipse was like April fools for birds
You Might Also Like
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing