I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*